These and other lessons I’ve learned make sense in the moment and bring transformation. And I find I have to keep repeating the learning. It’s automatic to forget. Practice is essential. Your posts are a practice for me as I read them. Thanks.
This is one of your most beautifully written pieces yet, Michael. Thank you for sharing such a painful part of your journey and opening up the conversation with your followers. This can't have been easy to write.
It’s comforting, as an adult child who also chose estrangement from my birth father, to see a different father in a similar position be aware and willing to acknowledge these feelings within. Thank you for sharing this vulnerable experience, Diamond-Michael. While I strongly doubt my estranged biological father is even close to this type of awareness and willingness to face his shadows, it gives me hope for possibilities of potential eventual reconciliation, even if it’s not until the spirit world that we reconcile. Your piece helps me see the possibilities. While I still feel solid in my decision to cut contact for my own mental and emotional wellbeing, you’ve helped me see that I’m finally in a place of being able to energetically send him and my stepmother love, my half-siblings too.
I’m sorry you are experiencing this estrangement - it’s one of the most painful things a parent can endure. I am also parent to a child who transitioned, and I appreciate your openness about your experience. Has your child given any indication as to their reasons? My child was 14 when they first told their dad what was bothering them. He did nothing to change or apologize and they’ve been estranged for 6 years now. But I know many people are never given the opportunity to make amends, because they don’t even know what went wrong. I wish you peace.
Despite my attempts to open up communication, there had been no response, zero, zilch. That’s the hardest part — not knowing anything. I discovered about the transition through a friend. So disheartening.
Time. You’re giving him the gift of time to make it all make sense. It may be nothing regarding you, and simply that you remind him of when he was her. Keep sending the love into the universe. Unconditional love is what your actions show. When he’s ready, hopefully he will reconnect.
So hard, DMS💔 I don’t have a reason for the estrangement from my daughter, either. I commend you for the courage it took for you to write this vulnerable piece. I’ll be writing about my experience in this realm as well, haven’t been able to finish the piece yet.. gentle, slowly, compassionately- I walk with myself 🙏🏻✨💔🩷
Thank you for sharing this story. It was very interesting to me to read about estrangement from the parent’s side as I’m estranged from my mother and stepfather. A decision I made for own wellbeing but it wasn’t easy to make, nor is it always easy to live with. I send you love and I send it to my estranged family too.
My heart goes out to you. I imagine it took a lot of courage to share this piece. Outside of the political divide, I believe estrangements with loved ones happen more often than we know. It's an important topic, so thank you for sharing. And for sharing how you're learning to cope. It's a vital ingredient.
I hope you get a chance sometime to speak with each other and receive clarity. It’s rare for parents that have children who cut contact to be willing to listen to understand why their children made that tough decision.
This is my path as well, Alyssa - to continue cleaning up my side of the street so that if/when my daughter comes back to reconcile, then I’ll be an open vessel to hear her , support her, and share love
Wonderful, Tamy! All we can do is clean our side of the street. And hope that the other person is ready at some point to move forward, no matter which side of the street we are on in this situation. It’s challenging at times but so necessary. I’m trying the same and began before I even cut contact.
May this post be a successful envoy, and though its journey could be labored, slow, and long, I hope this message in a bottle is at sea but briefly, then it starts the work of reconciliation. Meanwhile, please believe, as prior commenters have said, the pain is yours, but you are not alone, at least.
Your words. This community surrounding you. Being witness to it all leaves me with a feeling of hope and love. Sharing vulnerability creates connection. Through connection we heal. Healing parts of ourselves leads to more of a capacity to love. 💕 Appreciating YOU Diamond ✨
Thank you for sharing so honestly and vulnerably. I appreciate your willingness to be open about the outcome unlike many parents who experience enstrangement and have rigid expectations.
Dear Diamond-Michael, Thank you for your follow-up. The piece resonates to me on several levels. As a fellow Substack writer, I greatly appreciate your transparency, vulnerability, and authenticity. Those are qualities I also aspire to in my writing. But more personally, I especially appreciated your discussion of the beachball metaphor, not only from a western perspective (Jung), but also from the perspective of the eastern concepts of wu-wei and metta. Following a very active and fulfilling career, I have experienced several simultaneous challenging transitions that have given me the opportunity to step off the moving sidewalk and be much more intentional about identifying those beachballs and working toward greater clarity and self-acceptance. This essay from 12/2/24 provides a good overview:
As you'll see there, my personal and professional thinking has been steeped in western theories and thought, but I am learning much from various friends outside my old circles (both on and off Substack) who are integrating eastern thought in ways that are complementary and extremely helpful. Your piece this morning provided much to consider as I watch the gentle snow outside and wish some of that precipitation could go to my friends in Los Angeles. Thank you.
Hello, Diamond-Michael. I admire your writing, and your openness, but do not know how to feel. From the other side, I am estranged from my own parents due to neglect and abuse of various kinds (neither of which they would ever acknowledge or admit to). Your post gives me insight as to what they *might* feel, had they the wisdom to articulate something like this. Estrangement does hurt folks on both sides, certainly...but it is a last resort option, and done for the estrangee's need for protection.
I do not know both sides of the story, so therefore I cannot and should not judge. Previously to your child's transitioning, what was your attitude towards those who did so? Perhaps they are afraid that you will not be happy with them, or perhaps there are other factors which led to this decision. Sometimes, it's just the straw which broke the camel's back, but again--I cannot infer.
I've written a bit about estrangement on my own page, if you're curious. Thanks again for your honest piece.
Thank you so much for reaching out and your willingness to share with such vulnerability. I fully honor your decision to step away from your parents. My biggest hope is that they are clear about what precipitated your decision, even if they are refusing to acknowledge the why.
In response to your question, I am 100% supportive of their transition. What makes me sad is that I discovered this by way a friend whose daughter was their friend in grade school and high school.
Worst of all, I have zero clue of what precipitated the estrangement. So my greatest wish is to hear something/anything — anger, lash out at me, send me an emoji, a crank call, because the silent unknown is killing me.
Maybe I’ve got a blind spot. But I am open to any and all feedback as to what I could have done differently.
I appreciate your response. They are not clear or in the know about anything, for they refused to be accountable for their own behaviour. Having self-awareness is something which you do, clearly, and I admire you for it. But it would prove my parents' undoing, and the core of all their issues in life.
The fact that you're open to anything, and meaning *anything*--anger, as you say, all their reasons--shows that you're more mature than most estranged parents. I wish you closure.
It could also be that your child doesn't know how to articulate their thoughts and emotions regarding this new sense of self they have. It's definitely a complicated thing, and one I guess I can relate to a bit. I've had some self-discovery that I *know* my parents would never be comfortable with.
Hypothetically, would you accept either way? If they explained what went wrong, but either offered to stay in touch but at a distance, or totally refrained from contact? It could also be that maybe they want to avoid conflict or not hurt your feelings.
I would accept either way. Just something/anything even it were to sting and leave me feeling hurt. But you are so right, maybe they want to avoid conflict or hurting my feelings. IDK
And thank YOU, Mitch for writing your article. The things you write and have read from other’s experiences is so on point for my experience as the “child” who cut contact with a “parent”! I also received literal messages of, “how could you do this to me?” After I tried to make our relationship better but was met with justification for the neglect I experienced growing up. All of this has stirred things in me that might be ready to be written, whether I share with others or just leave behind, I need to speak them somehow because that parent has attempted enough to silence me. No more. I look forward to reading your other articles!
Having been subjected to both my children walking away, I've come to the conclusions that estrangement is a movement supported by a community and ideology. Not questioning that parent child relationships have there problems, but the no contact cold cutoff is a heartbreaking and harsh way to deal with such problems. You may be interested in my thoughts on the matter which is the result of having researched this community, https://thestyxian.substack.com/p/estrangement-ideology-part-1-tenets?r=46g4sj
So sorry for your painful experience . Steven. My oldest daughter has been estranged 1.5 years and I believe we are living in a pandemic of disconnection in this world . My connection begins within so that I can be an open vessel of love when/if we reconnect 🙏🏻✨🥰sending love
I see it more as a cultural revolution driven by the ideas that spring from Marx and Engels when they write on the destruction of the bourgeois family in the Communist Manifesto (Chapter 2) and the expanded on under the Frankfurt School writers' deconstruction of the family as a centre of patriarchal power. In my observation, Estrangement Ideology is supported through a well defined and organised movement that has at least two groups with memberships of over 47,000 on Reddit alone. IMO it is a pernicious culture espousing practices that meet the WHO definition of elder abuse – see https://thestyxian.substack.com/p/estrangement-ideology-part-6-a-subtle?r=46g4sj
These and other lessons I’ve learned make sense in the moment and bring transformation. And I find I have to keep repeating the learning. It’s automatic to forget. Practice is essential. Your posts are a practice for me as I read them. Thanks.
Yes! Gotta keep those lessons in repeat mode lest we get put back a grade.
This is one of your most beautifully written pieces yet, Michael. Thank you for sharing such a painful part of your journey and opening up the conversation with your followers. This can't have been easy to write.
Thank you Elaine. Yes, I wept through it. Writing it was deeply painful yet cathartic.
I love that you bravely share the pain of your journey. May you find peace and happiness.
Thank you Cathy for your thoughts. 🙏
It’s comforting, as an adult child who also chose estrangement from my birth father, to see a different father in a similar position be aware and willing to acknowledge these feelings within. Thank you for sharing this vulnerable experience, Diamond-Michael. While I strongly doubt my estranged biological father is even close to this type of awareness and willingness to face his shadows, it gives me hope for possibilities of potential eventual reconciliation, even if it’s not until the spirit world that we reconcile. Your piece helps me see the possibilities. While I still feel solid in my decision to cut contact for my own mental and emotional wellbeing, you’ve helped me see that I’m finally in a place of being able to energetically send him and my stepmother love, my half-siblings too.
I’m sorry you are experiencing this estrangement - it’s one of the most painful things a parent can endure. I am also parent to a child who transitioned, and I appreciate your openness about your experience. Has your child given any indication as to their reasons? My child was 14 when they first told their dad what was bothering them. He did nothing to change or apologize and they’ve been estranged for 6 years now. But I know many people are never given the opportunity to make amends, because they don’t even know what went wrong. I wish you peace.
Despite my attempts to open up communication, there had been no response, zero, zilch. That’s the hardest part — not knowing anything. I discovered about the transition through a friend. So disheartening.
Time. You’re giving him the gift of time to make it all make sense. It may be nothing regarding you, and simply that you remind him of when he was her. Keep sending the love into the universe. Unconditional love is what your actions show. When he’s ready, hopefully he will reconnect.
🙏
So hard, DMS💔 I don’t have a reason for the estrangement from my daughter, either. I commend you for the courage it took for you to write this vulnerable piece. I’ll be writing about my experience in this realm as well, haven’t been able to finish the piece yet.. gentle, slowly, compassionately- I walk with myself 🙏🏻✨💔🩷
Absolutely gut wrenching. I’m so sorry.
Sending love, peace, and acceptance from my heart to yours 🫂🩵
I appreciate that Deanna. 🙏 Much love my friend.
Thank you for sharing this story. It was very interesting to me to read about estrangement from the parent’s side as I’m estranged from my mother and stepfather. A decision I made for own wellbeing but it wasn’t easy to make, nor is it always easy to live with. I send you love and I send it to my estranged family too.
I understand where you're coming from. Had my parents been as wise as Diamond-Michael, there would've been the chance for repair.
Yes. Mine were not even a smidgen as wise. But they did what they could with where they’re at. I understand that now.
I understand mine, too, and somewhat pity them.
Yes I feel sorry for mine too and that they’ve not been able to appreciate how amazing it is to be here and find joy in the world.
My heart goes out to you. I imagine it took a lot of courage to share this piece. Outside of the political divide, I believe estrangements with loved ones happen more often than we know. It's an important topic, so thank you for sharing. And for sharing how you're learning to cope. It's a vital ingredient.
This is my favorite piece of yours so far! Delicate, yet solid.
Thank you 🙏 That’s so kind of you to say.
Reporting the facts, my friend.
I hope you get a chance sometime to speak with each other and receive clarity. It’s rare for parents that have children who cut contact to be willing to listen to understand why their children made that tough decision.
This is my path as well, Alyssa - to continue cleaning up my side of the street so that if/when my daughter comes back to reconcile, then I’ll be an open vessel to hear her , support her, and share love
Wonderful, Tamy! All we can do is clean our side of the street. And hope that the other person is ready at some point to move forward, no matter which side of the street we are on in this situation. It’s challenging at times but so necessary. I’m trying the same and began before I even cut contact.
good for you, Alyssa!👌🙏🥰👍
May this post be a successful envoy, and though its journey could be labored, slow, and long, I hope this message in a bottle is at sea but briefly, then it starts the work of reconciliation. Meanwhile, please believe, as prior commenters have said, the pain is yours, but you are not alone, at least.
Your words. This community surrounding you. Being witness to it all leaves me with a feeling of hope and love. Sharing vulnerability creates connection. Through connection we heal. Healing parts of ourselves leads to more of a capacity to love. 💕 Appreciating YOU Diamond ✨
So beautifully articulated Heather. Thank you for sharing. Appreciate you my friend.
Thank you for sharing so honestly and vulnerably. I appreciate your willingness to be open about the outcome unlike many parents who experience enstrangement and have rigid expectations.
Thanks Sandra. I was hard but very cathartic.
Thank you for sharing these insights. I can almost feel a weight being lifted off your shoulders. It was helpful for me to read this morning.
Absolutely. What in particular resonated with you about this piece?
Dear Diamond-Michael, Thank you for your follow-up. The piece resonates to me on several levels. As a fellow Substack writer, I greatly appreciate your transparency, vulnerability, and authenticity. Those are qualities I also aspire to in my writing. But more personally, I especially appreciated your discussion of the beachball metaphor, not only from a western perspective (Jung), but also from the perspective of the eastern concepts of wu-wei and metta. Following a very active and fulfilling career, I have experienced several simultaneous challenging transitions that have given me the opportunity to step off the moving sidewalk and be much more intentional about identifying those beachballs and working toward greater clarity and self-acceptance. This essay from 12/2/24 provides a good overview:
https://halgrotevant.substack.com/p/my-three-commitments
As you'll see there, my personal and professional thinking has been steeped in western theories and thought, but I am learning much from various friends outside my old circles (both on and off Substack) who are integrating eastern thought in ways that are complementary and extremely helpful. Your piece this morning provided much to consider as I watch the gentle snow outside and wish some of that precipitation could go to my friends in Los Angeles. Thank you.
Hi Hal. Thanks for sharing. Reading your Substack now and will report back.
I agree, Hal, there is much wisdom in the ancient mystical teachings of the Easton
Hello, Diamond-Michael. I admire your writing, and your openness, but do not know how to feel. From the other side, I am estranged from my own parents due to neglect and abuse of various kinds (neither of which they would ever acknowledge or admit to). Your post gives me insight as to what they *might* feel, had they the wisdom to articulate something like this. Estrangement does hurt folks on both sides, certainly...but it is a last resort option, and done for the estrangee's need for protection.
I do not know both sides of the story, so therefore I cannot and should not judge. Previously to your child's transitioning, what was your attitude towards those who did so? Perhaps they are afraid that you will not be happy with them, or perhaps there are other factors which led to this decision. Sometimes, it's just the straw which broke the camel's back, but again--I cannot infer.
I've written a bit about estrangement on my own page, if you're curious. Thanks again for your honest piece.
Hi Mitch.
Thank you so much for reaching out and your willingness to share with such vulnerability. I fully honor your decision to step away from your parents. My biggest hope is that they are clear about what precipitated your decision, even if they are refusing to acknowledge the why.
In response to your question, I am 100% supportive of their transition. What makes me sad is that I discovered this by way a friend whose daughter was their friend in grade school and high school.
Worst of all, I have zero clue of what precipitated the estrangement. So my greatest wish is to hear something/anything — anger, lash out at me, send me an emoji, a crank call, because the silent unknown is killing me.
Maybe I’ve got a blind spot. But I am open to any and all feedback as to what I could have done differently.
I appreciate your response. They are not clear or in the know about anything, for they refused to be accountable for their own behaviour. Having self-awareness is something which you do, clearly, and I admire you for it. But it would prove my parents' undoing, and the core of all their issues in life.
The fact that you're open to anything, and meaning *anything*--anger, as you say, all their reasons--shows that you're more mature than most estranged parents. I wish you closure.
It could also be that your child doesn't know how to articulate their thoughts and emotions regarding this new sense of self they have. It's definitely a complicated thing, and one I guess I can relate to a bit. I've had some self-discovery that I *know* my parents would never be comfortable with.
Hypothetically, would you accept either way? If they explained what went wrong, but either offered to stay in touch but at a distance, or totally refrained from contact? It could also be that maybe they want to avoid conflict or not hurt your feelings.
I would accept either way. Just something/anything even it were to sting and leave me feeling hurt. But you are so right, maybe they want to avoid conflict or hurting my feelings. IDK
I hear you. I once wanted the same thing from someone who ghosted me who I was head-over-heels with; not having closure was a specific form of hell.
Regardless, I wish you peace. This is a hard thing for folks on both sides of the story to cope with.
And thank YOU, Mitch for writing your article. The things you write and have read from other’s experiences is so on point for my experience as the “child” who cut contact with a “parent”! I also received literal messages of, “how could you do this to me?” After I tried to make our relationship better but was met with justification for the neglect I experienced growing up. All of this has stirred things in me that might be ready to be written, whether I share with others or just leave behind, I need to speak them somehow because that parent has attempted enough to silence me. No more. I look forward to reading your other articles!
Having been subjected to both my children walking away, I've come to the conclusions that estrangement is a movement supported by a community and ideology. Not questioning that parent child relationships have there problems, but the no contact cold cutoff is a heartbreaking and harsh way to deal with such problems. You may be interested in my thoughts on the matter which is the result of having researched this community, https://thestyxian.substack.com/p/estrangement-ideology-part-1-tenets?r=46g4sj
All the best.
So sorry for your painful experience . Steven. My oldest daughter has been estranged 1.5 years and I believe we are living in a pandemic of disconnection in this world . My connection begins within so that I can be an open vessel of love when/if we reconnect 🙏🏻✨🥰sending love
“Pandemic of Disconnection” — WOW!
So powerfully said
🙏✨🥰thanks Diamond, and thank you for the inspiration to write my experience as well. Coming soon…
I see it more as a cultural revolution driven by the ideas that spring from Marx and Engels when they write on the destruction of the bourgeois family in the Communist Manifesto (Chapter 2) and the expanded on under the Frankfurt School writers' deconstruction of the family as a centre of patriarchal power. In my observation, Estrangement Ideology is supported through a well defined and organised movement that has at least two groups with memberships of over 47,000 on Reddit alone. IMO it is a pernicious culture espousing practices that meet the WHO definition of elder abuse – see https://thestyxian.substack.com/p/estrangement-ideology-part-6-a-subtle?r=46g4sj