In other words, when the arrows come, pause. Breathe. Ask yourself: “Does this attack alter the truth of who I am?” Often, the answer is no.
Really liked this. Thank you!
I spent time working in the field of conflict management in workplaces and community gatherings. I would add that often we will never know why we are the target of someone's seeming ill will. It might have nothing to do with us or the issues at hand except we were in the way of them having a bad day - or a bad life.
Just as cops and doctors will use the acronym DOA - Dead on Arrival - I learned some people are AOA - Angry on Arrival - and often they don't have a conscious reason. So it doesn't help me to harbor ill will against those who say unacceptable things. Does not excuse their behavior, but it's useful not to hold on to bad feelings, or use their words as a reason to lash out, escalating the conflict. That's different from setting up a healthy limit or boundary.
Humans are not a rational species, even those who pride themselves on their rationality. I have had some success dealing with those angry people with the emotional equivalent of a cookie. Often, if their behavior is chronic, they have isolated themselves from others and feel, ironically, that the world is against them. Even as I set a limit, a small act of kindness can have a very positive effect.
On the other hand, my partner in crime taught me to pause and consider if there were, hidden in the person's negative emotions, maybe a tiny grain of truth to acknowledge. Sometimes, our opponents will tell us things we need to hear that our friends won't. Wrapped inside an irrational tirade might be some idea we might consider.
And for those who think I am naive about prejudice and bigotry and conscious hatred, I am from an immigrant Jewish family and know a little bit about verbal and physical attacks from people who don't like immigrants and don't like Jews. Or don't like strangers. Or just don't like people.
thank you for this advice. Too often I allow attacks to derail me, my mind focuses on them and I have intrusive thoughts about them. I will try to be more like the river and let them flow past.
I want to share this from my Warrior of the Light reading last night because it seems relevant:
"He accepts that his opponents are there to test his valor, his persistence, and his ability to make decisions. They force him to fight for his dreams."
This article reminds me of the lines in the Tao Te Ching "Care about people’s approval and you will be their prisoner" (chapter 9). You write to share your thoughts and ideas. End of story. If some folks take exception to your words, so be it. If some folks like and "approve" of your words (whatever that means), so be it. Either way, just keep writing and sharing! At least, that's the way it seems to me.
As the youngest of four brothers, I suffered from constant criticism--of my clothes, of my creative endeavors, of my size, of my friends. It took me decades to recover. But I have! Where was your substack when I was 16, Diamond-Michael, and really needed it?
In other words, when the arrows come, pause. Breathe. Ask yourself: “Does this attack alter the truth of who I am?” Often, the answer is no.
Really liked this. Thank you!
I spent time working in the field of conflict management in workplaces and community gatherings. I would add that often we will never know why we are the target of someone's seeming ill will. It might have nothing to do with us or the issues at hand except we were in the way of them having a bad day - or a bad life.
Just as cops and doctors will use the acronym DOA - Dead on Arrival - I learned some people are AOA - Angry on Arrival - and often they don't have a conscious reason. So it doesn't help me to harbor ill will against those who say unacceptable things. Does not excuse their behavior, but it's useful not to hold on to bad feelings, or use their words as a reason to lash out, escalating the conflict. That's different from setting up a healthy limit or boundary.
Humans are not a rational species, even those who pride themselves on their rationality. I have had some success dealing with those angry people with the emotional equivalent of a cookie. Often, if their behavior is chronic, they have isolated themselves from others and feel, ironically, that the world is against them. Even as I set a limit, a small act of kindness can have a very positive effect.
On the other hand, my partner in crime taught me to pause and consider if there were, hidden in the person's negative emotions, maybe a tiny grain of truth to acknowledge. Sometimes, our opponents will tell us things we need to hear that our friends won't. Wrapped inside an irrational tirade might be some idea we might consider.
And for those who think I am naive about prejudice and bigotry and conscious hatred, I am from an immigrant Jewish family and know a little bit about verbal and physical attacks from people who don't like immigrants and don't like Jews. Or don't like strangers. Or just don't like people.
Sage advice Pat. Thank you so much.
I learned from people who helped make me a better person.
thank you for this advice. Too often I allow attacks to derail me, my mind focuses on them and I have intrusive thoughts about them. I will try to be more like the river and let them flow past.
I want to share this from my Warrior of the Light reading last night because it seems relevant:
"He accepts that his opponents are there to test his valor, his persistence, and his ability to make decisions. They force him to fight for his dreams."
I posted a photo of the page in my Notes today :)
Yes, Elizabeth. Love the quote. So true.
This article reminds me of the lines in the Tao Te Ching "Care about people’s approval and you will be their prisoner" (chapter 9). You write to share your thoughts and ideas. End of story. If some folks take exception to your words, so be it. If some folks like and "approve" of your words (whatever that means), so be it. Either way, just keep writing and sharing! At least, that's the way it seems to me.
Yes Francis. I love that line.
There’s a lot of stupid going around. Hard to breathe. Randy.
As the youngest of four brothers, I suffered from constant criticism--of my clothes, of my creative endeavors, of my size, of my friends. It took me decades to recover. But I have! Where was your substack when I was 16, Diamond-Michael, and really needed it?
Wow-I really LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your Choco Taoist writings!!! Ooohhhmmmm:)
Thank you. So kind of you to share that!
Thank you! Love your writing. Love hearing the way you put the truth. 🙏🏽🙏🏼🙏🏾
Timely advice and wisdom for me, thank you.
Thank you! 🙌