Wanderlust: My Path to Finding Intimacy in Purpose
For years, I found myself on a wild goose chase, seeking women who I hoped would be my perfect match. My primary aim was to find the ultimate partner, an effort which frustratingly lead to failed attempt after failed attempt.
In investing a great deal of my time, energy, and attention obsessed with the fantasy of a perfect relationship, I became filled with idyllic delusions of what a relationship could be, might be, should be. I found that I would always be more into them than they were into me. Yet, it always backfired.
My criteria for the ideal person were a bit uncommon: an edgy personality; leather boot wearer (bonus if from Freebird); a PhD intellectual who harbored a love for books. But I typically found myself quickly enmeshed in unhealthy cycles of losing myself in the relationship, overinvesting in the other. This left my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual wagon empty.
In 1997, I thought I had struck gold — a spiritual, sensual goddess in San Diego with whom I soulfully seemed to flow with. But I later discovered that she had narcissistic tendencies which eventually shattered me. I ended up fleeing as fast as I could, resulting in a period where I ended up unhoused and broken. This breakup ultimately served as a pattern disruptor from my innate tendency to seek the outer first.
During this rock-bottom phase, I started to explore the importance of getting stronger within myself. This is where I stumbled upon my most valuable lesson: first find intimacy in my inner purpose and use that as my ignition switch for the outer world.
I vividly remember a phone session with my Taoist teacher Casey Kotchmer, while sitting at a Starbucks in North Las Vegas on a blistering hot day. Spiritually broken and unhoused, Casey implored me to focus first on getting internally stronger and re-grounded. This conversation helped me realize the importance of first finding intimacy of purpose with self before seeking a deeper outer connection with a partner.
From a Taoist perspective, finding one’s inner purpose is essential. Lao Tzu, the ancient sage, emphasized that relationships should unfold naturally and organically, rooted in the deep connection one establishes with their own internal compass.
The Tao Te Ching teaches that those who master themselves find strength, and those who know themselves find wisdom. For it is through this inner mastery that one can then form genuine, deep connections with others.
Today, my purpose centers around three core values: Inner (Expansion), Outer (Connection), and Manifestation (Freedom).
Inner Expansion means diving into a deep, intimate purpose within myself.
Outer Connection involves forming relationships and intimate partnerships in the external world.
And Freedom, which is manifested for me when the “inner” and “outer” are synched
In short, while I had the tendency for many years to relinquish who I am for the sake of a relationship, I now understand the importance of full immersion in my purpose first. I am continuing to discover that living in alignment with one’s core values is the most important internal choice one can make, the elixir for joy, meaning, purpose and well-being.
These perspectives accord with the teachings of David Deida book, “The Way of the Superior Man” where he emphasizes that a man’s first aim should be his purpose.
Deida writes:
“Every man knows that his highest purpose in life cannot be reduced to any particular relationship. If a man prioritizes his relationship over his highest purpose, he weakens himself, disserves the universe, and cheats his woman of an authentic man who can offer her full, undivided presence.”
His book, written twenty years ago, remains a beacon today as it addresses how men can grow in their purpose while passionately tussling with the challenges of women, work, and sexual desire. The practical insights found in this book have helped me give the gifts I was born to give.
Reflecting on my journey, I realize that true intimacy and connection begin within. By finding and nurturing my inner purpose, I create a solid foundation for forming authentic relationships. It is through this inner strength and self-awareness that I can approach relationships with a sense of play and curiosity, rather than desperation and attachment.
My purpose is not just about achieving external goals but about honoring the essence of who I am. It is about expanding into a deep, intimate understanding of myself and using that as a foundation for connecting with others. By staying true to self and maintaining integrity, I can form relationships that are not only fulfilling but also align with my true purpose.
In the end, finding intimacy in purpose is about embracing who I am at my core and using that self-awareness to form genuine connectedness with others. It is about evolving beyond old patterns and ideals and stepping into new ways of being that honor both my inner and outer worlds. Through this journey, I am discovering that true intimacy and connection are not found in the external but within myself.
So here’s the truth: if you want to find real intimacy, stop looking outward. Dive into your core, ignite your purpose, and let everything else fall into place. What you will discover is that the right connections will come not when you’re desperately seeking them, but when you’re living authentically and powerfully from within.
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So timely for me. Thank you.