He Ain’t Got No ROI
Why Transactional Relationships Are Killing Our Capacity to Deeply Connect
Let me tell you about a friend of mine from my days living in San Diego. A truck driver by day, a soulful visual artist by night. One of the most intellectually deft, grounded, and emotionally awake men I’ve ever known.
He didn’t have a six-figure portfolio, but he had depth—the kind that doesn’t show up in credit scores or follower counts.
One evening while at a cocktail party in La Jolla, he was vibing in conversation with a small group of bougie, sophistocated women. Smart, engaging, generous energy all around. But on his way back from the restroom, he overheard one of them say:
He seems like a nice man, but I don’t know if he has enough ROI to be a good partner.”
ROI as in Return On Investment?
As if dating were a venture capital pitch.
As if love were a Key Performance Indicator (KPI).
That moment has haunted me ever since because it wasn’t just about him. It was about where we are as a society.
All of this is indicative of how we’ve turned relationships into spreadsheets. Dating and business alike now feel less like soul encounters and more like strategic transactions that are optimized, scheduled, and stripped of spontaneity. Where everything is filtered through a digital lens of utility….
“Can this person help me level up?”
“Do they bring status, money, or followers?”
“Are they worth the time?”
From a Taoist perspective, we’ve completely lost the plot. The Tao is flow. Unforced. Unscheduled. Alive. Real connection arises in the unplanned, the uncalculated. When every interaction is a negotiation, we are no longer in the Way—we’re in the grind.
And Confucianism? It’s screaming too. Confucius taught us to honor ren—our humaneness, empathy, the soft skills of the soul.
In his world, relationships are cultivated, not consumed. But in our world, li—the rituals that once sustained trust—are now replaced with swipe fatigue, ghosting, and dopamine-chasing digital flings.
We’re not relating. We’re performing.
Even friendship has a hint of commerce.
We “check in” when it’s convenient.
We “connect” for leverage.
We “engage” for clout.
Social media has wired us for shallow touchpoints instead of meaningful tethering.
The result?
• Erosion of empathy
• A tsunami of loneliness
• Emotional detachment masked as independence
And yes, I get it—especially in modern dating. Many women (and men) have chosen sovereignty over settling. They want mutual benefit, not dependency. That’s valid. But when independence morphs into indifference, when emotional armor becomes a badge of honor, we all lose. We stop letting people in. We stop being seen.
We’re becoming a culture of people who don’t need anyone, but secretly long for connection we no longer remember how to make.
So where do we go from here?
Taoism exhorts us to stop forcing. Let go. Make space.
Confucianism says to return to reverence. Engage with sincerity.
Maybe we start by killing the calendar for one afternoon and letting life surprise us. Maybe we drop the pitch and just ask someone how their heart is doing. Maybe we stop treating people like a bunch of damn metrics.
Because the truth is, there’s no ROI in the soul.
Love, friendship, trust—these don’t scale. They unfold.
If we want something real, we’ve got to stop transacting and start relating again.
Unscheduled. Unpolished. Unearned.
Just be real.
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Diamond Michael Scott
aka The Chocolate Taoist
Key word Transactional here. I've been searching for such a word and it is perfect. Looking for another word to describe the battering of ideas we find in everything and everyone these days -
I just want to sleep, Ah!
Should I reward this post with a "like"? Sure, I liked it, but what is the value of displaying that to the world? By pondering this question have I transformed my spontaneous response to a transactional one? And if transactional thoughts arise--mutual benefits, but still an implicit trade--is there a way to redeem the interaction? I could continue but I am not sure that doing so would be efficient.